When does it become too much?
I have been told by friends that my biggest fault as a parent is that I respond to my kids’ every need, as they need it. For my friends – I am exhausting to watch as I listen, play with, pour a drink, tend to a cut, watch a netball practice, read a story, rush to be not a minute late after school and throw all the energy I can muster into being the kind of parent that has felt right for me.
So how do I know when it’s too much? How do I know if and when it is unhealthy for my kids and unhealthy for me? When do I inhibit their sense of independence by “doing too much” and at what stage do I become less than a good mom as I fail to share my own boundaries and need for space?
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Thanks for sharing this space you find yourself in. I often find myself ‘lost’ in this world and being caught between the various people I love and care for. Losing myself is a regular occurrence. To be honest though, I’d rather lose myself than those around me.
I’m sure many will say it’s not the correct answer, but it does seem easier to sacrifice me than to walk away from the calls of loved ones.
I know you’ve avoided giving an answer and simply shared your own dilemma, but should ever find a way to make it through this muddle, please let me know?
Hi Leish
Love your website.
Your dilemma is an interesting one and really got me thinking. I don’t think there is an answer, but more that each of us as parents must parent our children in a way that we feel comfortable with. Whether we are copying our own parents’ style, or not, whether we can be there all the time or whether (as a working mom like me) we just try to give each child some quality time alone and be there for them when they need us, there is no right way.
But I do know that every person has a different way of doing things, and we just have to have faith in ourselves that we are doing the best we can. Even if it does mean losing ourselves…
So I haven’t answered your question, but it did make me think… Thank you!
Hey Heather. Thank you so much for your thoughts. I loved what you had to say and I do agree that we certainly have different parenting styles. I think that on top of that as individuals we all have different needs in terms of space and the boundaries we need to set for ourselves to keep “sane”. Some of us are able to tolerate a huge amount of noise and activity for a lot of time while others of us can do it for less time before we have to call a “time out” to regroup and re-energise! The beauty is that there is so much to learn – and I’m loving it. Let’s keep chatting.
Well done Leish – your site is looking great and hope it opens the path to the journey you are so meant to travel! Had to smile when I read this particular post as I’m sure I recall this conversation in a certain small village in the Eastern Cape
I have watched many people approach this area of parenting in their own way and I agree, we all have our own unique style and methodology that ultimately should seek to find balance between the needs of ourselves (as the adult with adult needs) and our children. A difficult balance to achieve I admit, as there will always be times when it seems that the adult OR the child’s needs are put ahead of the other. I do however think that the temptation to be “over-involved” with our children (and let’s face it, whether we are working parents or not, we certainly, by and large, parent far more intentionally than our parents did!) surely has to be tempered by the risk of inhibiting the growth of their own independence (as you mention) as well as not guiding them on acceptable boundaries as to when we as parents can be available for them. They are part of a world that is used to having everything around them happen so instantaneously that this is one area where we can teach them patience! I have watched parents be so “available” to their children to the detriment of other relationships and have of course, experienced the opposite in other families where the children’s needs are secondary to everyone else’s with disastrous consequences for everyone. So I suppose what I am saying in a very long-winded way is that it is all about that elusive “balance” and for each of us the “non-negotiable” areas will be different – so long as we remain aware of both our own and our children’s needs and we are clear and consistent in our parenting to hopefully accommodate both. If all of that makes any sense ….